Potterwatch
by UndoubtedlyTheWine
Summary: A series of "Potterwatch" Broadcasts. Read, Review, Favourite, Follow!
1. Chapter 1

**Potterwatch**

* * *

Rapier aka Fred Weasley

 _River aka Lee Jordan_

* * *

A radio crackled to life as the frequency set in and an excited voice rang out loud and clear -

'Good evening listeners! This is " **Rapier** " with another broadcast of "Potterwatch". We apologise for the slight delay - thanks to our dear old Death Eaters for the interruption.

Anyway let's begin with forecast for tonight - which is Dark. Quite literally! It's raining folks! The death Eaters continue to wreak havoc all over Britain. Many amongst us are under the Imperius Curse so look out whom you trust.

Now, I will hand over to our correspondent, " **River** " who is going to offer you a few tips to save yourselves from the Death Eaters.'

 _'Hello fellow wizards! " **River** " here with a few tips on recognising and saving yourselves from Death Eaters. However before I proceed, I would like to add that these tips are to be used at your own risk! So let us begin..._

 _1\. The first basic question we must ask ourselves is how to recognise a Death Eater? Well, the answer is simple - He or She would be wearing a grotesque mask and if not he or she will be the most unpleasant looking person you would have ever come across._

 _2\. If a death eater corners you and you can't think of any spell to cast on him, what should you do? It's damn easy! Punch him on the nose. These muggle tricks work exceptionally well sometimes. But First make sure that he is really a Death Eater and not You - Know - Who. You would know if it is You - Know - Who as he won't have a nose - obviously! Anyway, you may also jab your wand in the Death Eater's eye socket or stick your wand in his nostril. Don't complain, cleaning Death Eater bogies will be much better than getting cursed by him, isn't it?_

 _3\. Get the dark mark tattooed on your arm. The death eaters might spare you thinking that you are an ally._

 _4\. Blab in front of the Death Eaters that you know the whereabouts of Harry Potter but make sure disapparate before they ask any further questions._

 _5\. Carry Polyjuice potion with you all the times. It comes in handy. I would like to tell you that you will change back to your old self once the potion wears off. So don't worry, you won't be stuck up forever as as greasy haired Snape or gaunt and skull - faced Bellatrix Lestrange._

 _Well, that's it then. Yes, yes Rapier calm down! I would like to hand over to Rapier once more before we say goodbye for he is constantly rapping my head since five long minutes.'_

'Hello again folks! I am here to deliver a personalised message to "Moony" I hope Moony is listening to us live right now.

I would like to say and I am sure those who know you well would agree with me without doubt, that you ought to have faith in yourself. You can't be a danger to anyone or cause harm to anyone you love. You are one freaking awesome werewolf and you deserve to love and be loved in return! If you are listening, Moony, someone loves you and is waiting for you! So it would be better if you get back!

So, this is where we say goodbye for time being. We will be back soon with more news. Till then stay safe, support Harry Potter and keep troubling Ickle - Voldykins! Password for next Broadcast is " **HalfMadMuggle** " Stay tuned for more! Adios!'


	2. Chapter 2

**Potterwatch**

* * *

River aka Lee Jordan

 _Royal aka Kingsley Shacklebolt_

* * *

'Hello friends, we are back with a fresh Potterwatch Broadcast! This is **"River"** wishing you a very christmassy evening. Yes, even if the times are dark, you can't help feeling the festive cheer everywhere.

Fortunately we haven't come across any known deaths. "Touch wood" I would say but er... there's no wood wherever I am standing currently, well, never mind that now.

So many people claim to have spotted You - know - who by now that it seems there might be atleast twenty You - Know - Who's running all over britain and that to in most unlikely places like Muggle supermarkets and Diagon alley!

Witches and Wizards are complaining that they can't go the supermarket to buy their regular supply of groceries because they are expecting You - Know - Who to pop out from behind the cash counter maybe, and curse them.

People, let me tell you that You - Know - Who has certainly got more important things on his mind, hunting down the boy with the lightning scar for instance and he certainly won't be hanging around in Supermarkets or pubs for instance. So Ladies and Gents calm yourselves down!

One wizard tells us that You - Know Who actually recreated the knock knock joke with him.

He was sitting in his house reading the ministry leaflets when someone pounded on his door.

When he asked who the visitor was, he swore to us that a high, cold voice answered him: Knock. Knock.

When he questioned the visitor who he was, one more time, according to him the same cold voice had answered it was You - Know - Who knocking at his door.

The wizard was particularly gleeful narrating his miraculous and a rather heroic escape from You - Know - Who's clutches and he says he has been on run since then.

Surprisingly, the sightings of Cedric Diggory have resurfaced once again.

All of us are aware that Cedric Diggory was killed by You - Know - Who during the Triward Tournament that happened at Hogwarts School and which also made him return to power once again. However, some still claim to have seen Cedric somewhere in the woods hunting animals for food, disregarding the fact that Harry Potter who happened to be with Cedric when he died, had got his body back.

Our correspondent **"Royal"** will fill you in with further details.'

 _'Heya folks, this is Royal speaking to you - Well, it's true, people believe to have seen Cedric Diggory. While on run, I happened to meet a charming witch whose name I shall not reveal, who told me that she had indeed seen Cedric Diggory in the woods._

 _According to her, he was all pale and his face was quite expressionless and he glittered and sparkled when he moved into the sunlight. The witch also claimed that he had abandoned normal food and had started hunting animals instead. The witch suggested that the Ministry or the Aurors should take him into custody for questioning._

 _Now, I didn't really know what to say to her but when I bumped into an Auror friend of mine and told her about it, she suggested a wonderful way of capturing Cedric Diggory. If he has indeed gone all sparkly, we should probably set a few Nifflers loose. They would do the job better than Aurors._

 _Jokes apart but dear listeners, it is impossible that Cedric Diggory has returned from the dead though we would certainly have been happy if he had been amongst us today. Let me enlighten a fact before you start believing in such rumours - Wizards don't sparkle!_

 _So, on this note we are signing off today with sincere request to stop spreading and believing such silly rumours._

 _Don't forget to tune in to our next broadcast which will be aired soon enough. Password for the next broadcast is **"Nymph".** Until we meet again, k_ _eep faith and help one another'_

 **END**


End file.
